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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Why I am a Beautiful Disaster

Why I am a beautiful disaster

Trying to condense 36 years of chaos into a small blog entry is challenging. I have had to wade through some seriously messed up things and decide what I want to share and what I need to share and what needs to be pushed to the back of my mind permanently.

November 3, 1975 I came into this world, early (for the first and LAST time I imagine) and was greeted by a reluctant mother and eager father. Fast forward 10 years, reluctant mother has custody of me and eager father is on the East Coast. Reluctant mother makes sure I know that I am totally NOT want she wanted in a daughter. I am NOT cute, NOT athletic and NOT skinny. Those three things are held over my head for my entire childhood and teen age years-any wonder I have self-esteem issues? Despite all the negativity from my mother I had a decent time in high school and I bear only a few scars from it, but don’t we all?

Skip to 1995, I am a married mother and full-time college student. I gained 80 pounds while I was pregnant and I managed to shed about 40 of it. I weigh around 170 and I wear a size 14. I do Fen-Phen, Advocare, and exercise through my college years, yet never get back into my beloved size 6s from high school. I get over it though, bigger problems are looming. Husband decides I need to be traded in for a newer, younger, but not thinner model. Marriage ends-horribly and I move from my hometown to Dallas, Texas to be closer to my work.

It is 2002 I am now 27 years old, divorced and have no idea what I want out of my life. I am still overweight, but honestly it is the last thing on my mind. I sign up for Yahoo! Personals and after a few disastrous dates meet this super duper normal awesome guy…five years later we get married (our relationship should be an entire blog itself). By 2007 I have ballooned up to 215 pounds (fat and happy, anyone??). One thing I should note, even when I was wearing a size 20 I ALWAYS fixed my hair, wore make-up and bought cute, trendy clothes. I used jewelry and clothes to hide my size.

I let my weight get out of control because I was too busy enjoying my new and improved life. After being in a miserable relationship for most of my formative years the happiness and love I was experiencing was such a rush.  We grew fat together because we were always going out to eat. Occasionally we would go on a health kick, but always lapsed back into our bad habits.

August 2008 was the first turning point for me. We bought a boat. That means swimsuits and water toys. I was absolutely humiliated when I was told by a wakeboarding instructor that I was “too heavy” for a woman’s board and had to buy a man’s board. December 2008 was the breaking point. Three things happened. First, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on medication to treat it, second my blood sugar came back as pre-diabetic, and lastly I stumbled across the season finale of “Biggest Loser” and was completely intrigued by the show. I had heard about it, but honestly thought it was making fun of fat people. So, when January rolled around I started watching it. Seeing a 400+ pound man run on the treadmill took away any excuse I had at that point but I really didn’t know where to start. Also, husband and I decided that we wanted a baby and with my health and weight a healthy pregnancy was not going to happen.

March, 2009 230 Pounds

Starting January, 2009 I began walking a little bit 2-3 times a day on my treadmill. I really wanted to be able to walk a mile in under….20:00 minutes. That is how fat and slow I was. I started counting calories and in March, 2009 I started the Medifast program. I was very successful with Medifast and I continued exercising, progressing from walking to running a little bit at a time. By October, 2009 I was down to 160 pounds and running 20 miles a week. I started training for a half marathon. In 2010 I successfully ran 2 half-marathons in 2 months finishing 2:25 and 2:26 and I was down to 150 pounds. I had lost 80 pounds in 10 months, I was so proud of myself.

May, 2010 150 pounds
 In August of 2010 I was given a wonderful job as a school librarian. I really believed that I had it all, dream job, dream husband, and on my way to a dream body. Then, something even more awesome happened-I was pregnant! I finally had everything I had ever worked for and my life was good. I dealt with the fear of gaining by watching what I ate (mostly) and running, running, running. I wish I could tell you that the story ends here and happily, but this is real life and when do we EVER get all that we want?

January 19th, 2011 should have been a joyous occasion. The hubs and I were going to find out if our little miracle was a boy or girl. Instead, I get a call from my principal telling me that my “dream” job will be ending in May. No more school librarian, I have to go back to the classroom. I hold back my tears through my sonogram (it was a boy) and spend the next week constantly crying about my future job loss. So, I go run and run, and run some more. Unfortunately I start having dizzy spells and heart palpitations, the doctor tells me to cut back on the cardio, then she tells me to stop running and by March I can’t even walk for exercise. I can only be up and around on an as needed basis. I had managed to only gain 15 pounds through 6 months of pregnancy. Between hormones and stress and no way to manage that stress I gained 48 pounds total. I came home from the hospital weighing more than when I was admitted.

May, 2011 9 months preggo
August 2011, school starts and I weigh around 220 (again) and I honestly DO NOT care. I am still wearing maternity clothes, my hair is in a permanent ponytail, my make-up is nonexistent, my baby isn’t sleeping through the night, and my husband is having health problems. I hate having to walk past the library everyday. I try to go back on Medifast in November, and I manage to lose about 10 pounds in two months. My attitude SUCKS. I hate everything and almost everyone all the time.

Halloween, 2011 215ish
 January 2012, we start a “Biggest Loser” competition at school. I managed to lose 20 pounds from January to June, yes 6 looonnngg months and that I all I dropped. I didn’t even lose a pants size. I started running a little, but nothing much.  During the summer I kind of get motivated again, but then it got hot, then school started and here I am.

October, 2012 190 pounds
 September/October 2012 I am finally ready to shed the baby weight and get back on the fitness track. I am dealing with the reality that I may never be a librarian again, but it’s okay. I have a job that pays me enough to live my life, gives me time with my family, and gives me time to devote to diet and exercise. I had to start thinking about what is good about my life and there are a whole lot of great things. I had to start caring about my appearance again. I bought some bigger clothes (to get out of the maternity clothes) and I make an effort to fix my hair and make-up. I had to drop the “I lost 80 pounds in 10 months, so this should be easy attitude”.  I joined Weight Watchers in order to help me relearn to eat better. I am slowly starting to run again. I want to lose 60 pounds by October 2013 and I want to run a half-marathon in March, 2012. I WILL do it.


  1. Thanks for sharing your story! You can TOTALLY do it! I'm a newbie runner myself and just starting to get to the point where I don't hate it :) Hoping to complete my first half marathon sometime in Spring 2013 -- hopefully we can cheer each other along the way!

  2. You can do it!! Loved your story.

  3. LOVE your story and can't help but notice are you in Oklahoma still :)

  4. Only when I have to go "home" for a family function Jamie. I stay out of my hometown as much as possible.

  5. Thanks for sharing your story!! You can do it girl. Slow and steady wins the race, right?