Why I am a Beautiful Disaster

Why I am a beautiful disaster

Trying to condense 36 years of chaos into a small blog entry is challenging. I have had to wade through some seriously messed up things and decide what I want to share and what I need to share and what needs to be pushed to the back of my mind permanently.

November 3, 1975 I came into this world, early (for the first and LAST time I imagine) and was greeted by a reluctant mother and eager father. Fast forward 10 years, reluctant mother has custody of me and eager father is on the East Coast. Reluctant mother makes sure I know that I am totally NOT want she wanted in a daughter. I am NOT cute, NOT athletic and NOT skinny. Those three things are held over my head for my entire childhood and teen age years-any wonder I have self-esteem issues? Despite all the negativity from my mother I had a decent time in high school and I bear only a few scars from it, but don’t we all?

Skip to 1995, I am a married mother and full-time college student. I gained 80 pounds while I was pregnant and I managed to shed about 40 of it. I weigh around 170 and I wear a size 14. I do Fen-Phen, Advocare, and exercise through my college years, yet never get back into my beloved size 6s from high school. I get over it though, bigger problems are looming. Husband decides I need to be traded in for a newer, younger, but not thinner model. Marriage ends-horribly and I move from my hometown to Dallas, Texas to be closer to my work.

 

It is 2002 I am now 27 years old, divorced and have no idea what I want out of my life. I am still overweight, but honestly it is the last thing on my mind. I sign up for Yahoo! Personals and after a few disastrous dates meet this super duper normal awesome guy…five years later we get married (our relationship should be an entire blog itself). By 2007 I have ballooned up to 215 pounds (fat and happy, anyone??). One thing I should note, even when I was wearing a size 20 I ALWAYS fixed my hair, wore make-up and bought cute, trendy clothes. I used jewelry and clothes to hide my size.

I let my weight get out of control because I was too busy enjoying my new and improved life. After being in a miserable relationship for most of my formative years the happiness and love I was experiencing was such a rush.  We grew fat together because we were always going out to eat. Occasionally we would go on a health kick, but always lapsed back into our bad habits.

August 2008 was the first turning point for me. We bought a boat. That means swimsuits and water toys. I was absolutely humiliated when I was told by a wakeboarding instructor that I was “too heavy” for a woman’s board and had to buy a man’s board. December 2008 was the breaking point. Three things happened. First, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on medication to treat it, second my blood sugar came back as pre-diabetic, and lastly I stumbled across the season finale of “Biggest Loser” and was completely intrigued by the show. I had heard about it, but honestly thought it was making fun of fat people. So, when January rolled around I started watching it. Seeing a 400+ pound man run on the treadmill took away any excuse I had at that point but I really didn’t know where to start. Also, husband and I decided that we wanted a baby and with my health and weight a healthy pregnancy was not going to happen.



March, 2009 230 Pounds

Starting January, 2009 I began walking a little bit 2-3 times a day on my treadmill. I really wanted to be able to walk a mile in under….20:00 minutes. That is how fat and slow I was. I started counting calories and in March, 2009 I started the Medifast program. I was very successful with Medifast and I continued exercising, progressing from walking to running a little bit at a time. By October, 2009 I was down to 160 pounds and running 20 miles a week. I started training for a half marathon. In 2010 I successfully ran 2 half-marathons in 2 months finishing 2:25 and 2:26 and I was down to 150 pounds. I had lost 80 pounds in 10 months, I was so proud of myself.



May, 2010 150 pounds

 In August of 2010 I was given a wonderful job as a school librarian. I really believed that I had it all, dream job, dream husband, and on my way to a dream body. Then, something even more awesome happened-I was pregnant! I finally had everything I had ever worked for and my life was good. I dealt with the fear of gaining by watching what I ate (mostly) and running, running, running. I wish I could tell you that the story ends here and happily, but this is real life and when do we EVER get all that we want?

January 19^th, 2011 should have been a joyous occasion. The hubs and I were going to find out if our little miracle was a boy or girl. Instead, I get a call from my principal telling me that my “dream” job will be ending in May. No more school librarian, I have to go back to the classroom. I hold back my tears through my sonogram (it was a boy) and spend the next week constantly crying about my future job loss. So, I go run and run, and run some more. Unfortunately I start having dizzy spells and heart palpitations, the doctor tells me to cut back on the cardio, then she tells me to stop running and by March I can’t even walk for exercise. I can only be up and around on an as needed basis. I had managed to only gain 15 pounds through 6 months of pregnancy. Between hormones and stress and no way to manage that stress I gained 48 pounds total. I came home from the hospital weighing more than when I was admitted.



May, 2011 9 months preggo

August 2011, school starts and I weigh around 220 (again) and I honestly DO NOT care. I am still wearing maternity clothes, my hair is in a permanent ponytail, my make-up is nonexistent, my baby isn’t sleeping through the night, and my husband is having health problems. I hate having to walk past the library everyday. I try to go back on Medifast in November, and I manage to lose about 10 pounds in two months. My attitude SUCKS. I hate everything and almost everyone all the time.



Halloween, 2011 215ish

 January 2012, we start a “Biggest Loser” competition at school. I managed to lose 20 pounds from January to June, yes 6 looonnngg months and that I all I dropped. I didn’t even lose a pants size. I started running a little, but nothing much.  During the summer I kind of get motivated again, but then it got hot, then school started and here I am.



October, 2012 190 pounds

 September/October 2012 I am finally ready to shed the baby weight and get back on the fitness track. I am dealing with the reality that I may never be a librarian again, but it’s okay. I have a job that pays me enough to live my life, gives me time with my family, and gives me time to devote to diet and exercise. I had to start thinking about what is good about my life and there are a whole lot of great things. I had to start caring about my appearance again. I bought some bigger clothes (to get out of the maternity clothes) and I make an effort to fix my hair and make-up. I had to drop the “I lost 80 pounds in 10 months, so this should be easy attitude”.  I joined Weight Watchers in order to help me relearn to eat better. I am slowly starting to run again. I want to lose 60 pounds by October 2013 and I want to run a half-marathon in March, 2012. I WILL do it.