Good afternoon blog world. I am officialy one and half months into my Weight Watchers journey and 24 days into my fitness challenge. I have had one bad week and still managed to drop almost 2 pounds. What I am having so much trouble with is what we all struggle with; keeping it all together. The house, the groceries, the cooking, the working out, the laundry, the hubby and the mothering are wearing me out. On Sunday I got up at 8:30 and was in the kitchen until 1:00 that afternoon trying to prep for this week. I need this to get easier. I need to feel like I am in control and right now I don't feel that way. I desperately want to make sure my children have healthy food and snacks on the table every night. I don't want my kiddo to exist on a diet of Mac and Cheese, but some nights I just want to scramble some egg whites and eat some toast, that's it. In fact, I could do that almost every single night and not be unsatisfied. However, the hubby depends on me to fix his lunch-this is something I don't mind doing but it puts a lot of pressure on me to come up with ideas for him too. I don't usually bring my lunch because I can get a salad here at school. I am just feeling very defeated because I haven't hit the 5% mark at my meetings yet.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Small Town Musings.....
I am big fan of the TV show "Glee". I can't sing or dance, but I LOVE music. In the show the kids who don't leave their hometowns refer to themselves as "Lima Losers". I was watching last week's episode it made me think of how I felt in high school and how all I wanted to do was leave Bryan County, Oklahoma and all it's small-mindeness in the dust. I wanted to move to the "big" city and realize my dreams. Whatever...I did leave Bryan County, but guess what? I am still living in a small-town with all its drama and doing the same exact thing I would have done at home. Am I a loser because of this? No, I don't think so. I don't think our dreams should be defined by where we actually accomplish them. My goal and dreams were to love and be loved, be successful and productive member of society. I think I am. I try to shape future generations for the better, I have a nice home, a nice car and an awesome family. I have decided that getting away from home did make me a better person, but I really didn't get that far.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Why I am a Beautiful Disaster
Why I am a beautiful disaster
Trying to condense 36 years of chaos into a small blog entry is challenging. I have had to wade through some seriously messed up things and decide what I want to share and what I need to share and what needs to be pushed to the back of my mind permanently.
November 3, 1975 I came into this world, early (for the first and LAST time I imagine) and was greeted by a reluctant mother and eager father. Fast forward 10 years, reluctant mother has custody of me and eager father is on the East Coast. Reluctant mother makes sure I know that I am totally NOT want she wanted in a daughter. I am NOT cute, NOT athletic and NOT skinny. Those three things are held over my head for my entire childhood and teen age years-any wonder I have self-esteem issues? Despite all the negativity from my mother I had a decent time in high school and I bear only a few scars from it, but don’t we all?
Skip to 1995, I am a married mother and full-time college student. I gained 80 pounds while I was pregnant and I managed to shed about 40 of it. I weigh around 170 and I wear a size 14. I do Fen-Phen, Advocare, and exercise through my college years, yet never get back into my beloved size 6s from high school. I get over it though, bigger problems are looming. Husband decides I need to be traded in for a newer, younger, but not thinner model. Marriage ends-horribly and I move from my hometown to Dallas , Texas to be closer to my work.
It is 2002 I am now 27 years old, divorced and have no idea what I want out of my life. I am still overweight, but honestly it is the last thing on my mind. I sign up for Yahoo! Personals and after a few disastrous dates meet this super duper normal awesome guy…five years later we get married (our relationship should be an entire blog itself). By 2007 I have ballooned up to 215 pounds (fat and happy, anyone??). One thing I should note, even when I was wearing a size 20 I ALWAYS fixed my hair, wore make-up and bought cute, trendy clothes. I used jewelry and clothes to hide my size.
I let my weight get out of control because I was too busy enjoying my new and improved life. After being in a miserable relationship for most of my formative years the happiness and love I was experiencing was such a rush. We grew fat together because we were always going out to eat. Occasionally we would go on a health kick, but always lapsed back into our bad habits.
August 2008 was the first turning point for me. We bought a boat. That means swimsuits and water toys. I was absolutely humiliated when I was told by a wakeboarding instructor that I was “too heavy” for a woman’s board and had to buy a man’s board. December 2008 was the breaking point. Three things happened. First, I was diagnosed with high blood pressure and put on medication to treat it, second my blood sugar came back as pre-diabetic, and lastly I stumbled across the season finale of “Biggest Loser” and was completely intrigued by the show. I had heard about it, but honestly thought it was making fun of fat people. So, when January rolled around I started watching it. Seeing a 400+ pound man run on the treadmill took away any excuse I had at that point but I really didn’t know where to start. Also, husband and I decided that we wanted a baby and with my health and weight a healthy pregnancy was not going to happen.
Starting January, 2009 I began walking a little bit 2-3 times a day on my treadmill. I really wanted to be able to walk a mile in under….20:00 minutes. That is how fat and slow I was. I started counting calories and in March, 2009 I started the Medifast program. I was very successful with Medifast and I continued exercising, progressing from walking to running a little bit at a time. By October, 2009 I was down to 160 pounds and running 20 miles a week. I started training for a half marathon. In 2010 I successfully ran 2 half-marathons in 2 months finishing 2:25 and 2:26 and I was down to 150 pounds. I had lost 80 pounds in 10 months, I was so proud of myself.
In August of 2010 I was given a wonderful job as a school librarian. I really believed that I had it all, dream job, dream husband, and on my way to a dream body. Then, something even more awesome happened-I was pregnant! I finally had everything I had ever worked for and my life was good. I dealt with the fear of gaining by watching what I ate (mostly) and running, running, running. I wish I could tell you that the story ends here and happily, but this is real life and when do we EVER get all that we want?
May, 2010 150 pounds |
January 19th, 2011 should have been a joyous occasion. The hubs and I were going to find out if our little miracle was a boy or girl. Instead, I get a call from my principal telling me that my “dream” job will be ending in May. No more school librarian, I have to go back to the classroom. I hold back my tears through my sonogram (it was a boy) and spend the next week constantly crying about my future job loss. So, I go run and run, and run some more. Unfortunately I start having dizzy spells and heart palpitations, the doctor tells me to cut back on the cardio, then she tells me to stop running and by March I can’t even walk for exercise. I can only be up and around on an as needed basis. I had managed to only gain 15 pounds through 6 months of pregnancy. Between hormones and stress and no way to manage that stress I gained 48 pounds total. I came home from the hospital weighing more than when I was admitted.
May, 2011 9 months preggo |
September/October 2012 I am finally ready to shed the baby weight and get back on the fitness track. I am dealing with the reality that I may never be a librarian again, but it’s okay. I have a job that pays me enough to live my life, gives me time with my family, and gives me time to devote to diet and exercise. I had to start thinking about what is good about my life and there are a whole lot of great things. I had to start caring about my appearance again. I bought some bigger clothes (to get out of the maternity clothes) and I make an effort to fix my hair and make-up. I had to drop the “I lost 80 pounds in 10 months, so this should be easy attitude”. I joined Weight Watchers in order to help me relearn to eat better. I am slowly starting to run again. I want to lose 60 pounds by October 2013 and I want to run a half-marathon in March, 2012. I WILL do it.
October, 2012 190 pounds |
Monday, October 1, 2012
Monday, Monday....
I am ever so thankful that I took the time to read Mama Laughlin and join the ML Fit Campers. It provides me with daily inspiration and support that I desperately need right now. I am little leary about starting my 31 days with Jillian challenge this evening, but I WILL do it.
The Weight Watchers thing is going surprisingly well, at the moment. I had a really bad time emotionally on Friday. The weather messed up my plans and I didn't have anything ready for dinner. I called the hubs and begged him to let me order pizza. "It's only 500 calories for 2 slices..." was my mantra. In the end I went home and cooked fish planks (which ironically he ate 4 pieces which equaled 500 calories, the pizza would have tasted a whole lot better), corn, and broccoli. I ate it and tried to be happy. Around 10:00 that night all I wanted was a brownie or a cake to stuff in my face, ugly words thrown at the husband, and a few tears later I ate one of WW 2 points bars-crisis averted.
I didn't work out Friday or Saturday. So yesterday I laced up the shoes, put the baby in the stroller and went out. Did I mention that my baby weighs 28 pounds and the stroller weighs 20??? I haven't tried to run with the stroller in a while. KICKED MY BUTT the entire, felt completely slow and defeated. I only did 2.25 mile in 36:00 minutes, but it was movement and I felt better because of it.
I weigh in tonight at WW and I am hoping to see a drop. I have seen a drop on my scale at home, but that is in the morning, with an empty stomach and bladder. I drink at least a gallon of water a day at work.
The Weight Watchers thing is going surprisingly well, at the moment. I had a really bad time emotionally on Friday. The weather messed up my plans and I didn't have anything ready for dinner. I called the hubs and begged him to let me order pizza. "It's only 500 calories for 2 slices..." was my mantra. In the end I went home and cooked fish planks (which ironically he ate 4 pieces which equaled 500 calories, the pizza would have tasted a whole lot better), corn, and broccoli. I ate it and tried to be happy. Around 10:00 that night all I wanted was a brownie or a cake to stuff in my face, ugly words thrown at the husband, and a few tears later I ate one of WW 2 points bars-crisis averted.
I didn't work out Friday or Saturday. So yesterday I laced up the shoes, put the baby in the stroller and went out. Did I mention that my baby weighs 28 pounds and the stroller weighs 20??? I haven't tried to run with the stroller in a while. KICKED MY BUTT the entire, felt completely slow and defeated. I only did 2.25 mile in 36:00 minutes, but it was movement and I felt better because of it.
I weigh in tonight at WW and I am hoping to see a drop. I have seen a drop on my scale at home, but that is in the morning, with an empty stomach and bladder. I drink at least a gallon of water a day at work.
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